This year, I learned the phrase “the body is not an apology” from the poet Sonya Renee Taylor. It struck me immediately. As a person who is chronically apologizing for things (anything, you name it), I loved the idea of reclaiming my body and not being afraid to take up space. The phrase made me think of my body with more love, more tenderness, and more respect. That being said, I’ve been wanting to apologize to my own body for most of this year.
I keep wanting to say, “Dear body. I’m so sorry for shutting you up in the house and never leaving for days or weeks at a time. I’m so sorry, dear body, that I’m consuming so much food and weed and subjecting you to hours upon hours of Netflix and anime on Hulu. I’m sorry, dear body, that I’m withholding you from hugs, handshakes, and kisses. I’m sorry, dear body, that everyday I flood with you with anxiety and stress and the feelings of helplessness blues. I’m sorry, dear body, for all the times I knew a walk would help you, but I decided to stay inside because I’m too scared to go outside.”
But what I really want to say right now, on the last few days of 2020, is this:
Thank you, dear body for enduring. Thank you for being resilient and taking this year on the best you could. Thank you for the days you decided to get up, take a shower and actually get dressed. Thank you for the days you decided to crawl onto the couch to doom scroll and eat all of your feelings. Thank you for the days that you called your friends and laughed and cried. Thank you for the days you still made art and were brave enough to share it. Thank you for the days where you didn’t make art, and hid it on your hard drive for a later day. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I was shit to you, and this entire year was shit to you, and you’re still here.
july
was
getting tested (negative) and escaping to the ocean
experiencing joy and feeling completely shocked by it
sun, spliffs, seafood and sleepy naps
heavy summer rain and night street shadows
masks & distanced humans & artwork
an afternoon of green onions, life chats and momo
august
was
artists! artists! artists! for the area code art fair x space us storefront projects
basking in the hot sun and glory of witnessing incredible artists of color thrive and create their works
thoroughly enjoying life talks with the super smart & incredible destiny palmer about the intersection of racism, sociopathy and serial killers
september
was
witnessing summer end and constantly marveling at how different the world had become
carving out precious time in the studio to create new works of art with new brilliant people
october
was
realizing that summer was long over and winter fast approaching
ragnar’s The Visitors coming back to the ICA and my dream gig of photographing
camping for the first time and crying when we had to leave
taking aimee to mt auburn cemetery and venting to each other about life, family and, love
connecting with two of my favorite cambodian artists and capturing them in their beauty
photographing my dear friend’s amazing clothing collection Trued Apparel
november
was
getting inspired by joan didion and photographing paige & her beautiful new kitten theo like it was a life magazine editorial
Meeting & photographing an incredible Armenian musician named Astghik Martirosyan
Coming back to the ica to photograph the exhibition i’m yours (just before the ICA closed again in the past few weeks!)
december
is
becoming a wife and gaining a husband (!! can u believe it!?)
feeling the weight of this entire year & knowing that we’re far from the end of this pandemic still
eating 100% of my feelings & more
desiring to make space for gratitude even in the face of all limitations
To you (if you’re still amazingly reading this far to the end):
Thank you for enduring. Thank you for being resilient and taking this year on the best you could. Thank you for working with the limitations of this year. And most of all, thank you for reading.